my glass is full....|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
[ << Previous 20 ]
[ << Previous 20 ]
|Tuesday, August 29th, 2006|
so i haven't been on here in forever....i guess i've been too busy w/ life, but i think it helps me when i write....even if no one reads it, it's like venting to someone and i feel better.
so what's new? well, back in feb i decided to move to OK w/ my bro....did that, but i had fallen in love before i left, so OK didn't last long, and i came back to fl....
i have the most amazing bf ever, we live together in labelle w/ our 2 babies, andie - boston terrier, and beavis - red nosed pit
life is good...when i left for OK i quit working thinking i would get a job out there....but then i came home, and we had to go to north fl for work, and al this stuff....well, now i still haven't gotten a job, i really want to, but i know there are things standing in my way that i must get over before i can move on to that part of my life...
i'm seeing a therapist and i'm on meds...not many ppl understand this b/c there are secrets, but i think i may be bi-polar or manic depressive....both sound scary...but it's something normal, and my medication helps me to understand what's going on w/ me, and then i can fix it....
i'm talking to the rents again, life has been good....laura and i are on again off again....there is daily drama everywhere but i do my best to avoid it....
sometimes i wish i hadn't chosen this life...what if david was right, and i was supposed to stay in OK and focus on my future....i'm nothing w/o an education, which is yet another thing i've been slacking on....i get so dependent on the men in my life, i really hate it, i don't want to be like that, but that also explains the therapist and i have reasons for all of that....
so i guess that's about it....i'm sure i'll start writing more....i hope i get some feedback so i know someone is reading this!! lol
i have to go clean house and make lunch now, peace niggas (:
|Friday, January 20th, 2006|
october 25, 2004...the letter he never got
So much free time lately has really got me thinking. I feel like the only time I can actually express my feelings to you is when I'm drunk, such a great time to try to talk, huh? Not only that but I can tell that half the time you don't even want to hear it, and I'm only making things worse.
I have absolutely loved every moment we have ever shared together. Whether it be driving you home as you puke out the window, or gettin busy goin down 82, laying on a blanket in the woods all cuddled up, making a quick drive uptown for a coke and 5 hours later we're still talking, going to phantom of the opera, or just bullshitting in your backyard till 10 at night.
I have loved having you in my life as a boyfriend and as an amazing friend. I couldn't have asked for a better person to be there for a shoulder to cry on, a great drinkin buddy, and you're not a bad snuggler (when you want to be).
There are times I sit there and wonder if you have the same thoughts and feelings about me. Sometimes I wonder if I try too hard to figure you out, or if I'm too nice to you. There are times where I wonder if I had done something wrong, or if there is any way to fix what has been done. Shit happens, I think that's the new motto of my life.
You live, you learn, and you work through it. That's what a relationship is. To me a relationship is something special you share w/ someone, whether it be as friends or lovers, and you work through your problems together. You give them your support and advice. You're there through it all whether it be the good, the bad, or the ugly. I have absolutley adored my relationship I've shared with you, but gosh do I miss it.
When I was lying in my hospital bed, about to be put to sleep for my procedure the one person I was wishing that would be there was you. When I was first admitted and had family and friends all around me, you're the one I was hoping for. As I drifted off to sleep every night, as I do each and every night, it was always you that was on my mind. Each time my phone would ring it was you I was wishing was on the other line. Does this say anything?
I'll be the first to admit as I've looked back over my journal and thought about the past few months, I've definately done some crazy stuff. Don't know what I was thinking through the majority of it, but through it all I was hoping it would all somehow get you back. How crazy was I??? Part of me thinks I clung on to it all because I had no male figure in my life. It's not easy going from your dad being your best friend to having no one. Of all people I know you'll understand this.
As I've said before, it tears me up inside to see you now. I know this is the way you want your life right now, but knowing you're so much better than that is what kills me. Just as when we were together back in February and March and you knew I needed to be going to school. It bothered you so much that I wasn't. I can't tell you what to do, but I know that you're better than what you are now. You're capable of so much more. I was telling your brother the other day that you don't have to please me, but I am proud of you, in a weird way, because I think you are doing better. As a friend you know I'm always there for support and someone to talk to. If you want my opinion you know you can have it, or I can just listen. But there are times where I hate being just an opinion to you. I really can't stand being just a friend. Being more than that at one point has shown me how awesome it really can be, and that is what I'm willing to do anything for. It's all slipped away from me now, and I know I can have it back.
I can see us being together and being very happy, with thoughts of the future along with that. I know you felt this way at one time, and I'm wondering if I'm wasting my time still dreaming of this. I think I freak you out when I try to get your feelings out of you, but I know you have them. I'd rather know the truth than to know nothing at all, or be lead on or believe something is there or will be that in all reality never will.
I can remember being 8 years old and laying in bed at night saying my prayers and asking God that I would marry Boots Dyess one day. I remember in elementary school every time my necklace was turned around I would kiss it and fix it and wish it was you thinking about me. I remember every time I found a fallen eyelash I would make that wish that Boots Dyess would be mine. And with every penny I threw to make a wish at the mall, it would always be that Boots Dyess would love me one day. I remember when my mom went to the hospital when she was first diagnosed with leukemia, and Ms. Jo took care of all us kids. It was December 12, 1997, your 14th birthday, and you went to the school dance. I wanted so badly to go just to look at you, but I was too shy and embarrassed. I remember in 9th grade Danielle Smith gave me her school picture and on the back she wrote “good luck w/ Justin” because everyone knew how in love with you I was. I remember when we were building our bridge at our house and you used to come help every day, one day we were sitting in the back of my dad’s truck in the field and you took out your knife, and showed us your wart on your shin, and like a man showed us kids how to really get rid of them. We used to play tag in the pasture till it was pitched black, and I used to wish you would chase me so we could fall in the tall grass and I’d have the chance to just lay there with you, even if it was for just a second. I will never forget your dad sitting on my back porch drinking sweet tea talking to my dad, and Mr. Gator would always tell me no man was ever going to be good enough for me, but he didn’t realize how well he raised you, and what an awesome dad he was to make you too good for me.
I have great memories of us as kids, and I have some awesome ones now of the times we’ve spent together as young adults. I’d love nothing more than to continue adding memories of us to my life. I’ll always think of you when I drive past Sam Seltzers, and you will always cross my mind when I get goose bumps on my left leg. And every time I’m in a conversation with someone and I say “both” I get little tears in my eyes because it reminds me of you.
I’m not sure what is going to happen in the next few years. They’re the ones that will determine the rest of my life, but I am sure of one thing, I want you to be a part of it.
|Wednesday, December 21st, 2005|
|Tuesday, December 20th, 2005|
~so kell asked me on sunday if i miss him...i mention him every once in awhile....a story will pop to mind that's fun to tell...and i have to admit, i do miss the crazy, fun, happy guy that was once in love w/ me....i do miss the old guy i used to know....do i miss what i had the past 6 months?? not a bit....do i miss jan-april? yeah, i'll be the first to admit, and i have some great memories...but why worry about it? i used to wonder...and now when i wonder i wonder what his thoughts will be in about 2 yrs when he actually grows up and realizes what he's done....i wonder how he'll feel then....but for now, i'm a big girl and i'm glad i've learned so much
~when will i grow up? yeah, i'm an adult and i take responsibility for my actions, and i think i've grown up a lot...i mean, dec 27 will be a yr, and i felt like i'd done nothing...but i got my license, i got a real job, grown some great relationships, made some amazing friends, i've been through a lot, got my own first car, and all on my own...i have accomplished a lot...i wish i had been more serious about life, but we all grow up in dif ways, right? i didn't have the chance to go through what i did like most peop as a teenager, i did it all now, and i'm actually pretty damn proud of myself...which leads me to my next thought...
~parents. i luv them to death. i don't know where i'd be w/o them. if it weren't for gramps bein up my ass all the time about talking to them i think i may have given up. so much family shit has happened, and in the end i'm just thankful i have such an awesome one. i don't think i woulda survived if it weren't for my father that was always there to listen to my gay ass fidel stories....hahahha, great memories....i'm so glad i grew balls and was able to take the rejection the way i did, i think i deserved what i've gone through, and i'm glad i've grown up enough to realize that....
i guess this is more or less just a letter for myself, so i can look back and realize the past 12 months have really honestly been amazing...a lot i can say i regret, but more of it i'm glad happened, makes me who i am today, and i am a strong believer in what doesn't kill u only makes u stronger...or as i like to say...
what doesn't kill u doesn't make u stronger, it makes u a cocky mother fucker....what makes u stronger is when u encounter situations that kill lil bits of u...and u still live to talk about it
wow, those are some odd and random thoughts...and i think that's enough for now, maybe i should actually be working
live well, laugh often, and love much
peace niggas :-*
|Monday, December 19th, 2005|
so here's the deal....i've been talkin to this really nice guy. now, like i said to chrissy the other night, aren't they all like that at first???? i mean, what guy is gonna come up to u bein an asshole if he wants something from ya??? so yeah, he's seriously nice, and sweet and everything i could want right now. he's fun to talk to, even tho most of the time he just listens, and he takes care of me when i'm shitfaced and can't even rem my name or where i am. i think it takes a lot to do that. he's cool.....i like 'em...yeah, i admit, i really like this kid....
besides that he's a baseball player, so he's buff, julie likes that...and he's got nice friends, nice family, good job....
yeah, i like him...ok
my thing is....after talking for a few wks now, he says to me "i'm single, i'm gonna stay single, and i'm not gonna be tied down" so i said "great, i'm happy for u" and i quickly get off the phone. ever since then i haven't called the kid, it just pissed me off....how do u go from saying u like me and miss me and can't wait to see me, to "oh yeah, i like bein single"....umm...no, that koolaid just don't mix.....
so here's my dilema...i'm not into playing games or any shit like that....but like i said i haven't called him since, in fact i've talked to him twice since last wed.....
he called me fri night and for some unearthly reason i answered at 1am...we went over this whole situation and he kept asking me what i thought. i wanted to tell him to fuck himself, but i wasn't sure what to say. i just kept goin along w/ it and bein like w/e....so yeah...he said he'd understand if i never called him again.
this is the part i don't get....he says these things, then calls me maybe 1-2 times a day. i won't answer, and w/o fail he called back later that night or sometime the next day. HE EVEN CALLED KELLY TRYING TO FIND ME SAT NIGHT! so yeah....i dunno if i'm fucked up, or if this kid is just seriously confused, or if he expects me to try to change his mind.....i dunno.....
like i said, i'm not into games, u either like me or night, i'm a big girl and can take reality, and i'd rather know the truth rather then sitting there wondering....and yet here i am, sitting here wondering....
maybe he thinks we can just be really good friends or something, i dunno....i think he's cool and i like him as more than a friend, i mean, i've been single for 8 months now, so it's not like he's the first one to come along, he's the first one i've really liked....
my question....what do i do? do i sit here and wait? do i go after him and try to have him change his mind? or do i just live my life and forget he even exists? should i just be friends and show him what he's missing????
gosh, there are times where i think love just isn't worth the shit u go through to start it and end it....
|Tuesday, December 13th, 2005|
"Take the first sentence from your first post of every month of 2005 and post them in paragraph form."
You are Napoleon Dynamite. funniest thing ever....had a blast last night just hangin out and bein lazy w/ lar n joey n Justin…not only is today hump day, but it is also 19 days until my birthday.....and i found out today that i will never get my period again. when u'r bf calls u to play an april fools joke and tells u he's on his way to the hospital that he was just in a really bad wreck.....yeah, that's fucked. i saw my parents yesterday, and tyler jean. wow, first day of hurricane season, and they are predicting 4 major ones. You are destined to be a sex-ed teacher. dunno bout justin, he's just too complicated, can never figure him out. so yeah, i'm not falling into this drama bullshit again, but yeah....i thought this was funny, kinda shows our maturity level differences... not sure why i even write in this damn thing anymore, no one ever comments, so no one ever reads it, so yeah.... maybe i'll get laid tonight...it's been way over a month, but i'm not bothered my it...strange. too much fun this past wknd, good times....met a nice guy, so we'll see how that goes, i'll keep y'all updated....
|Monday, December 5th, 2005|
too much fun this past wknd, good times....met a nice guy, so we'll see how that goes, i'll keep y'all updated....
i need to go through my phonebook, and my messages, i'm so lazy, ughhhh....
don't wanna be at work, have a horrible sore throat, i need to go running tonight, i've been a bum....
sis is goin out of town next wknd, SWEET MUH NIGGA...not sure of plans yet but def a hella good time again
|Monday, November 14th, 2005|
|Friday, October 21st, 2005|
|sick sick sick.....
sry guys, i've missed u all...just thought i'd let u know i'm in the hospital w/ double pneumonia right now....been here since tuesday...prob won't get out till like tues or wed...bro brought laptop so i have the chance to jack off online for a few min....much love to all...and if u feel like sendin the love then send a text my way...239.229.8829...
i truly appreciate all the prayers and concern from u all....
|Monday, October 3rd, 2005|
me ~ how come u didn't answer me last night?
him ~ Trying to sleep
me ~ oh...my bad....it was just bothering me b/c i was really drunk, and
retarded, but i did want to talk about it....and i think i rem everything,
but i rem u saying i was fucking w/ u'r head or something, and u kept
trying to avoid talking to me, kinda like u always do, which i suppose
should be my hint....i guess after all of the time and effort i've
invested, and all of the feelings i have, i just don't know how to turn
around and walk away
him ~ U cant just be friends with me
me ~ i can't....no, i try, ...it's not like i can't hide my feelings, cause
i'm fine, but when i see u w/ other girls....it just kills me b/c i
know that should be me....everything else is fine....i can go days w/o
talking to u, i can get over the fact that u talk to a bunch of girls,
sometimes i can even listen to the stories about other girls....but
knowing that u have so much potential and u'r just fucking around w/ these
girls that don't even know u, that's what gets me
him ~ Ya right im tired of girls asking me to be with them if i wanted a gf i
would have one
me ~ so if it bothers me to see how u act, and it bothers u b/c i always try
to talk about it, then maybe we shouldn't hang out?
him ~ Alright
me ~ i'm asking u'r opinion b/c i know u have some type of feelings about
him ~ We can talk but quit asking me
me ~ alright, well, i guess whatever happens happens....i just hate my life
and i know something is going to change soon....i'll def miss the old
boots, but whatever makes u happy works
him ~ Im still the same i just aint with u
me ~ exactly, and to me that's not the same. it's still u, but to me things
are dif. i can just tell by the way u look at me. maybe i'm just a
girl w/ too much of a fantasy of being in love, finding that person that
everything is perfect w/, the one that makes nothing else in the world
matter, that sticks up for me, and is so proud to be mine, that believes
in me, the one that is thankfully every day to have me. it hurts b/c
that used to be u
him ~ Well im sorry
me ~ that's fine, i know i'll be fine....u can't make someone love u....i
just have to learn to walk away from it....i'm just glad cause i'm not
wondering anymore....my tears will dry and my heart will heal, and life
will move on....i just hope u realize how happy u'r going to make
someone one day and don't lose out on that opportunity
him ~ Thank u
me ~ alright, i guess i've bothered u enough for today, have a marvelous
monday, and maybe i'll get lucky and ttyl
him ~ Alright u too
|Tuesday, August 30th, 2005|
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TYLER JEAN!!!!!
Current Mood: crushed
|Monday, August 15th, 2005|
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
|Wednesday, August 10th, 2005|
| CELLULAR IS BACK IN BUSINESS
|Friday, July 29th, 2005|
|stolen, but sooo true...
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep...Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on... Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you... Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says,"thats her."
|Tuesday, July 26th, 2005|
|Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005|
TODAY IS MY GREAT GRANDMA'S BIRTHDAY!!!!
happy 89th birthday great grandma
|Your IQ Is 140 You're A Flippin Genius!|
Your Logical Intelligence is Exceptional
Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional
Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional
Your General Knowledge is Exceptional
|Tuesday, June 21st, 2005|
new background on my phone...
Anal Cavity - Bitch, I'm better than you!
|Thursday, June 9th, 2005|
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance